Realistic PR of the day: Smashinglad – Alt Ctrl Del!

(Disclaimer: This post is not about a new music show called CTRL from Topman)

Smashinglad are gonna pull down your pants and dry hump you from behind with their new tepid music smell, Smashinglad Alt Ctrl Del! Hosted by Radio 1 button presser and serial rapist Vermin Kaye, the series will bore music fans to mental breakdown, as it features a veritable ‘oh crap, not them!’ of new and vapid music acts. Each show will have an exclusive ‘controller’, who’ll choose the acts Smashinglad have endorsed, in true Smashinglad Alt Ctrl Del! style. Lined up in the Alt Ctrl Del! hot seat for shows 1 to 3 is that arsehole one from the Inbetweeners, James Buckley, misfit Heather Small and high-lord of all that’s abhorent and lifeless in music, Mark Ronson.

With six insipid instalments taking place each Thursday, Smashinglad Alt Ctrl Del! kicks off on February 10th on Channel 49, and will air mediocre, but well lit performances from the blandest acts around, including Fuck Topman and Topshop, Topman Clothes are Probably Manufactured by Blind Seals, Brother, TOPMAN CLOTHES ARE SLIPSHOD SHIT and How Much!? For a fucking cardigan?, to name but a few. Smashinglad Alt Ctrl Del! paid the likes of Rod Hull, Leo Sayer and Sting to curate undersubscribed gigs in cities up and down the country. Now Smashinglad bring Alt Ctrl Del! to the small screen, giving viewers the option of moaning about modern music from the comfort of their own home. Miss out!

Vermin Kay says, “Yeah, I can’t really be arsed. Hopefully it’ll be a chance for people to see that I’m not just a rapist, but also an okay TV presenter. It’s annoying that this ‘ere telly show is a showcase for shit. There’s not a lot of live music on TV at the moment, only that slippery lizard-man Jools Holland and his awful, awful world music, so I guess it’s better than that. There’s so much great music being made; maybe one day we’ll get to hear it!”

Danielle Volkswagon, Senior Marketing Manager, Smashinglad says, ” Smashinglad Alt Ctrl Del! is about revenue. Alt Ctrl Del! means we get to feature the most commercially viable bands, dress them in our clothes, and put them out to the Channel 49 audience. It excites me thinking about how much money we’ll make – we’ll end up with huge piles of cash as these gawping, picture weary retards pile into our stores to try an emulate these marvelously named. We’ll be stinking filthy rich, all the while portraying the idea that we actually give a hoot about new music!”

Cool and wicked etc.

/Ends.