Things I hate: Viral wedding proposals
Posted: 24/06/2012 Filed under: Things I hate | Tags: Bruno Mars, Isaac Lamb, lip-sync proposal, marry you, proposal, the best ever, viral, wedding proposal, youtube 3 Comments »
I abhor marriage proposals. If I’m ever drunk enough to pop the question, I’d do so knowing that unless I orchestrate a proposal on par with the Cirque du Soleil, the gesture’s likely to be eclipsed by a glut of attention seekers determined to mark their intimate moment with a zany viral video attempt.
Down on one knee and ‘Will you marry me?’ simply doesn’t cut it anymore. That question directed at the YouTube-savvy female is likely to illicit a hopeful glance round, followed by ‘so…where the hell is the Leonard Bernstein number, Scott? You humdrum wastrel. The answer’s no.’
On one hand I’ve got to give it to the guys. What pebbly-hearted harpy could refuse, faced with a congregation of sweaty friends and family exhausted having spent months learning the routine from Thriller, or Step Up 5: Dance Dance Darfur? Any man that goes through the rigmarole of pulling off that kind of feat deserves a pity yes at least, lest a snub be met with a family-based gang beating to the tune of ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’. On the other hand I question the sexual orientation of a man that not only puts that much thought into a proposal, but opts for a Bruno Mars track to accompany it.
Poor Amy. She never stood a chance. Live reaction shot? There’s no way anyone could make it through a private dance number with an ambivalent look on his or her face. It’s Happy Birthday syndrome: no matter how disastrously out of tune and dreary it is, you have to grin and bear it. Isaac Lamb knew what he was doing: Amy was going viral. And what happens now? Isaac’s set an impossibly high benchmark unless the wedding involves the pair being blasted round the Large Hadron Collider into eternity.
Online marriage proposals are over share fetishism. How long before we start seeing viral divorce videos with titles such as ‘Craig, I simply don’t love you anymore’ or ‘You’re skint. I’m off’ or ‘I’m fucking your best friend. Surprise!’? I can give that a thumbs up.
Other things Bruno Mars would probably do for ya
Posted: 24/06/2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Bruno Mars, Grenade, music, new single, other things bruno mars would do 2 Comments »If someone told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it? Singing sensation Bruno Mars probably would. He sure is keen.Ladies, if you ever happen upon a similar man you’d better snap him up real quick, because a man like Mars will actually jump in front of a train for you if only you’d ask. He’d shoot himself in the brain at your request. That’s dedication! Imagine Bruno, working himself into a Deerhunter style frenzy, picking up a handgun, pressing the barrel against his temple before pulling the trigger and blowing his brains out…for ya. Of course you’d be left to deal with the bloody mess, probable mental scarring and hours of subsequent police questioning, but who cares? Get this man some life insurance!
Would you do the same? No, probably not, because you’re a selfish bitch. Here are some other things our man Mars is probably willing to do for ya:
- Move to Spain for ya.
- Give up his seat on a train for ya.
- Unblock a drain for ya.
- Hijack a plane for ya.
- Name his child Dwayne for ya.
- Resit sixth grade for ya.
- Nuke the Ukraine for ya.
- Douse his balls in acid rain for ya.
- Sever his jugular vein for ya.
- Launch into a drug fueled, anti-Semitic tirade for ya.
- Sodomise Alex Zane for ya.
Do you know any other man that would do that? No. Because every other man is a dick for not wanting to kill himself for ya. I wish Bruno Mars would jump in front of a train for me. *Sigh.
