CERN to use text-walkers as ammo for ‘dull’ Hadron Collider tests

Scientists at CERN have announced that they’re to begin using oblivious phone walkers as projectiles for their latest Large Hadron Collider tests.

With interest dwindling, and faced with boring and confusing test results, physicists at the CERN laboratories near Geneva, Switzerland, have been examining ways to rekindle a public curiosity driven senseless with X Factor, Strictly and Piers Morgan.

The state of the art lab, which cost £6.19bn and spans the Franco-Swiss border, was constructed to address the most fundamental mysteries of science. However, when it became apparent that the tests would not yield pioneering results such as hoverboards, functioning Lightsabers or children that can sit still and shut the fuck up in restaurants, public interest in the activities at CERN diminished.

‘Ever since people stopped thinking the world would end when we switched this thing on, we’ve had huge problems trying to drum up interest in what we do here,’ said a CERN spokesman. ‘Introducing figures of utter derision into our tests will hopefully change this.’

‘Text-walkers’, ‘moron trekkers’ or ‘ambling twats’ as they’re known, are seen as ideal projectiles, owing to their low intelligence and disregard for the safety of themselves and others. The latest tests will find those who place finishing a text messages above safety flown to the LHC, whereupon they’ll be accelerated round the 27-kilometre tunnel, and collided at a velocity just shy of the speed of light.

While the tests will work to reignite public interest in the esoteric goings on at CERN, the physicists were cynical about uncovering any ground-breaking discoveries. ‘To be honest, we’re pretty bored of what’s happening here. We’re just tired of these vapid morons clogging up the pavement. Even blind people have the etiquette to use a dog and stick.’