With regular commuting in the UK comes a panoply of poor weather that can dash the hopes of those of us who dread public transport. However, as Sir Ranulph Fiennes once said: ‘There is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.’ And with that I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you about the mainstay of my daily cycle commute: the BigxTop Daysack.
Fair weather bike twats everywhere have gone apeshit over The Invisible Bike Helmet; a response to a clunky impediment that’s apparently preventing people from hopping on their bicycles en masse – the helmet.
The Hövding, while sounding like an automotive issue Jay-Z might encounter with his “Benz”, is the invention of two Swedes who’d grown tired of wearing unsightly and cumbersome plastic shells on their swedes. The supposedly revolutionary Hövding made it’s debut this time last year when the very same Vimeo video that’s doing the rounds did the rounds. Even then initial excitement was quickly snuffed having examined the real-world dependability of what is effectively a portable airbag for oblivious Pashley-riding Adele/Beckham wannabes.
The first problem with The Invisible Bike Helmet is that it’s not invisible, but rather a huge explosive neckerchief. Anyone who rides with a Buff during winter knows that it soon warms up, so one can only imagine how unbearably stuffy the Hövding gets on any journey over 20 minutes. Summer’s gonna be hell in that thing. Do you really want to go out in a thick, heavy volatile scarf instead of wearing a light, well-ventilated helmet?
Another issue with the Hövding is its £330 price tag. Exactly how much of a knock does it take to activate the airbag? Would it withstand being dropped? What happens if you hit a pothole, come off a particularly high curb or approach some lights and, unable to unclip your pedals, fall helplessly athwart alongside a busload of awful, awful teenagers. A well-timed airbag helmet deployment would be the £330 icing on the shame cake.
The Vimeo video is somewhat flaky, too. Despite extensive research, there’s no clue as to how much protection the Hövding provides against facial injuries. The above model’s career would be finished. I’ll settle for the 1 inch of plastic and polystyrene my current lid provides over something that my face could quite easily fall out of.
Sure: helmets look rubbish. But they’re no more a fashion accessory than seatbelts are. They’re not meant to look good. If it ain’t broke, despite how unseasonably unfashionable, don’t fix it.
Will you be wearing a Hövding? What colour will you get? Have you come unstuck at traffic lights? Reveal all in the comments.
Record numbers of people in Britain have applied to leave the country forever to seek a meaningful existence on Mars.
Over 60 million Britons have applied to become Mars colonists with non-profit organisation Get Me The Shit Out Of Here since submissions for a place aboard the first manned flight to the Red Planet opened on the 1st of May. Get Me The Shit Out Of Here hopes to start transporting Britons to Mars by 2023, with more astronauts arriving thereafter.
“We knew we’d see a large number of British applications, but this is ridiculous,” Get Me The Shit Out Of Here’s Chief Executive Officer David Parker said in a statement. “While we’re thrilled to see so many applications, transporting the entire population of Great Britain sort of defies the point.”
According to Parker, the company is eschewing scientific credentials in favour of “quirky, zany and easy-going people. What we’re looking for is not restricted to people with an academic background.”
Anyone can apply by submitting a 3-minute video stating his or her motivations for wanting to leave the UK and never return; with “It’s full”, “It’s dull”, “I fancy a change of scenery” and “It’s just crap” cited as the most popular reasons for leaving.
Get Me The Shit Out Of Here received applications from all over the UK, officials said. Applications from High Wycombe lead the way, with Middlesbrough, Swindon, Derby and Luton making up the top 5. Shortly after applications opened, the Get Me The Shit Out Of Here site crashed under the weight of submissions.
Adam Merry, a 38-year-old Mars hopeful from Maidenhead said: “I’ve been a bit depressed recently. After a divorce and the day I’ve just had, I think it’s time for a change. My video tagline states that I put the ‘nought’ in astronaut’. I’ve not had many votes.
“I’m not really a people person, so I think eight months in space and being one of the first to colonise Mars would do me good. I can probably deal with the toxic dust, arctic temperatures and inability to return to Earth. Internet access and the calibre of the women on Mars might be the clincher, though. Haha!”
John Bishop seriously needs to fuck off.
Standing around, dithering: I always thought Lana Del Rey was based on a mannequin. So imagine my dismay when H&M’s version of a Lana Del Rey clothes-hanger was missing one vital component.
Here are the original LDRs in all their terrifyingly vacant glory. But something’s missing… Read the rest of this entry »
It’s obvious that Chris Brown is a humungous berk.
Surely if we’re posting disclaimers on Brown’s album, it’s only fair that we decorate the albums of Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Dr. Dre, Flava Flav, Ronnie Wood, Eminem, James Brown, Axl Rose, Tommy Lee, Fleetwood Mac, Miles Davis and er, Bez with similar assertions. You don’t see stickers adorning Ike Turner albums, and Ike Turner makes Chris Brown look like Elmo.
So, if Chris Brown’s getting the disclaimer treatment, here a few more artists that should probably come with a warning: