Record numbers of people in Britain have applied to leave the country forever to seek a meaningful existence on Mars.
Over 60 million Britons have applied to become Mars colonists with non-profit organisation Get Me the Shit Out of Here since submissions for a place aboard the first manned flight to the Red Planet opened on the 1st of May. Get Me the Shit Out of Here hopes to start transporting Britons to Mars by 2023, with more astronauts arriving thereafter.
“We knew we’d see a large number of British applications, but this is ridiculous,” Get Me the Shit Out of Here’s Chief Executive Officer David Parker said in a statement. “While we’re thrilled to see so many applications, transporting the entire population of Great Britain sort of defies the point.”
According to Parker, the company is eschewing scientific credentials in favour of “quirky, zany and easy-going people. What we’re looking for is not restricted to people with an academic background.”
Anyone can apply by submitting a 3-minute video stating his or her motivations for wanting to leave the UK and never return; with “It’s full”, “It’s dull”, “I fancy a change of scenery” and “It’s just crap” cited as the most popular reasons for leaving.
Get Me the Shit Out of Here received applications from all over the UK, officials said. Applications from High Wycombe lead the way, with Middlesbrough, Swindon, Derby and Luton making up the top 5. Shortly after applications opened, the Get Me the Shit Out of Here site crashed under the weight of submissions.
Adam Merry, a 38-year-old Mars hopeful from Maidenhead said: “I’ve been a bit depressed recently. After a divorce and the day I’ve just had, I think it’s time for a change. My video tagline states that I put the ‘nought’ in astronaut’. I’ve not had many votes.
“I’m not really a people person, so I think eight months in space and being one of the first to colonise Mars would do me good. I can probably deal with the toxic dust, arctic temperatures and inability to return to Earth. Internet access and the calibre of the women on Mars might be the clincher, though.”
John Bishop seriously needs to fuck off.
Standing around, dithering: I always thought Lana Del Rey was based on a mannequin. So imagine my dismay when H&M’s version of a Lana Del Rey clothes-hanger was missing one vital component.
Here are the original LDRs in all their terrifyingly vacant glory. But something’s missing… Read the rest of this entry »
It’s obvious that Chris Brown is a humungous berk.
Surely if we’re posting disclaimers on Brown’s album, it’s only fair that we decorate the albums of Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Dr. Dre, Flava Flav, Ronnie Wood, Eminem, James Brown, Axl Rose, Tommy Lee, Fleetwood Mac, Miles Davis and er, Bez with similar assertions. You don’t see stickers adorning Ike Turner albums, and Ike Turner makes Chris Brown look like Elmo.
So, if Chris Brown’s getting the disclaimer treatment, here a few more artists that should probably come with a warning:
The wind in your hair, the solitude of the trail, the feel of warm Vaseline slowly evaporating around your genitals. Yeah: running is awful. 85% of the time spent running is done wishing your shins would stop aching, your nipples would stop bleeding and shiftless children would stop heckling your diminutive spandex knob.
For city dwellers, maintaining a runner’s lifestyle is an arduous undertaking. For many of us the luxury of rolling hills are a fantasy. Instead we’re to make do with whatever shit-smeared, graffitied patch of gangland greenery we can find. This has a tendency to throw some rather horrific hurdles in our already strenuous path.
Here are the top five perils of the urban runner: